Sleep Paralysis.. Pregnancy test..

Let’s see.. I’m doing well in school. Extremely well. I’ve gotten all 100% ‘s in every test for every class I’ve had. I’ve been going to the gym everyday for about 3-4 hours. It helps me sleep better at night. I think i’m still getting Mania, but doesn’t last as long.. The whole MaryKay thing was a Manic Episode.. I wonder if anyone noticed? Gah. I hate when i do stuff like that!

I went to the doctor yesterday for a regular physical exam. He wants to check my thyroid, and cortisol levels.. He also wants to run a pregnancy test.. Yeah I’ll talk about that in a few.

I’ve been having alot of Lucid dreams lately. It’s usually something scary. Always about evil robots that want to destroy the world. I’m so not kidding. It’s crazy how real it looked, and felt in my dream. I was terrified…  Yesterday i had an episode of Sleep Paralysis. It’s happened to me before but not like this. I was listening to an audiobook in the sofabed in the living room. I just felt like sleeping in the living room today. It was cold so i had my miniheater set up ontop of a chair warming the bed. I stayed up all night.. I think around 5am when i decided to sleep. I closed my laptop, and then i pushed it to the side. I layed to bed, and i fell asleep. It was getting hot, and so I woke up.  I thought i saw my mom walk into the living room, but when i turned my head.. No one was there. I couldn’t move. I tried to scream, but i couldnt get the sound out. It felt like i was there forever. Struggling to move. I was reaching towards the heater to turn it off, but i couldn’t do it. It felt like i was inbetween sleep, and awake. I finally managed to turn the heater off, and i sat up in bed panting and sweating. I was exhausted. I went back to sleep after that. In the morning, i thought it had all been a dream, but the heater was off. That was so scary. I really hate when that happens. Ugh.

Now, back to the Pregnancy test. I feel really weird talking about this to begin with. Sometime last month (September) in the middle of the month i believe.. I slept over my boyfriend’s house, and we had sex. We had taken precautions, of course.  In the morning i had a feeling that i should take the Plan B pill just in case. I had a prescription in my wallet that i didn’t take to the pharmacy. I kept putting it off. I kept telling myself that i didnt need it. For the next few days, I kept having a little voice in my head screaming at me to go get it. I ignored it again.

Yesterday, the doctor suggested that i take a vaccine to protect against cervical cancer, but he had to first give me a pregnancy test. I started laughing. There is no way i could be pregnant. I don’t want a baby, and i take precautions so that i won’t have one. I’m not in any position to have a child. Jason and i are pretty serious, sure, and we will get married in the future. I know he would take care of me, and the child. If i was pregnant, but im not mentally prepared. This is not what i want.

I had always said i would never be THAT girl. I want to be married, have a career, and be financially stable before i even think about having children. It’s a big deal to me. I don’t ever want to have a child out of wedlock. EVER.

I was laughed it off, and went to sit with my mom in the waiting room while the doctor wrote up some prescriptions for my migranes, and a dexamethasone pill.  I told her what i was laughing at, and she was like “Oh, so that’s why my cousin was talking about.” I said, “Huh?”

“Well, you remember my cousin who came over a few days ago right?” – Mom

“Yeah? What about her?”

“Eversince we were little girls, she would always play around with me and read my tea cup. I don’t believe in things like that, but everything she ever told me that would happen happens.”

“Uh ok?”

“She read my coffee cup the other day and told me that someone owes me money and he was going to pay me soon and that i had a nephew that wanted to come live with me… I asked your brothers, but none of them have a baby on the way.. Soo..”

At this point i was almost laughing hysterically with tears in my eyes and my face was beet red.

“You don’t really belive that do you?”

“No, but everything she had ever said to me has came true.”

“I use protection.. It can’t be me”..  That’s when i got serious. I always get my period at the end of the month. or at the beginning of the month.. It is the end of the month! I still havent gotten it!

What the heck is going on here?

I got instantly serious, and i told her.

“I’ll get an abortion..”

She gasped, and then said “God forgive you. You can’t do that.”

My family is against abortion, but the way i see it is. I didn’t plan on this. Infact, i protected against it. I’m not ready for this. I don’t feel its fair to bring a child into the world to make it suffer. Why? I know this will probably spark a bunch of anti-abortion drama, but its MY LIFE.

It’s going to be me that’s going to have to struggle. I’m already in over my head in debt. How the heck am i going to afford a baby? Jason does have a good job, and a degree. He’s got his associates in Business management, and now he’s in his last semesters for his BA. I know he would be able to take care of me, but this is not what i wanted.

I’m scared to death, and i hope that I’m not. I hope that i’m just over reacting.

I looked it up.. My health insurance does not cover abortions… I’d have to stay with it…

October 4, 2009. Uncategorized.